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Transience

by Cameron Leigh

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1.
Somnium 03:28
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No phone, lost phone An empty void in my pocket Right leg now too loose for tight pants Left leg just right The pleasure of the pressure of the wallet in the pocket of the jeans Surrounded by one million old vibrations and I don’t know what they mean I’m hanging out with seven smiling strangers and I don’t know how to breathe Two of them are sober and I feel like they don’t know what to believe These days it seems like I own things and things to put things in All I do is sort through desktop files of my own Baggage and other people’s I seem to be carrying Leave those faces in the past, I’m afraid you can’t Leave those phases in the past, I’m afraid you can’t I’m afraid you can’t I’m afraid you can’t These days it seems I am running short on oxygen All I do is wait to stand at perfect attention Wrap my arms, chest to chest, take one deep and honest breath Blood rush in, hands run through your hair as I can taste again Drugs rush in, hands run through your hair as I can taste again
2.
What If? 03:37
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Would you wonder "What if?" with me? Because I'd wonder "What if?" with you You never would You never would You never would You never would Because you don't have to wonder You already know But I always would I always would I always would I always would Shuffle closer Hand doesn't meet shoulder Sit and we'll spend the night alone Read our dark nose-bleeding tongues Wish the roof could be our home It seems so unfair To come to you now and it feel so right To tumble with you in the dark Would you wonder "What if?" with me? Because I'd wonder "What if?" with you You never would You never would You never would You never would Because you don't have to wonder You already know
3.
Rose Quartz 02:19
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Well, I know a few who've tried And maybe one or two who've succeeded But I'd hate to give my roommate such a fright Because the subject's so fucking loaded But I've found my useless art Trapped inside my restless heart And to pull it out, it kills me But I'd rather drown myself than leave it alone Sick of the tension, I'll be here on my own All of the humour has gone from the home All of the humour has gone from the home Rose quartz, what a beautiful name Rose quartz, what a beautiful place to spend your days I cannot imagine growing old A car crash while still young Is the only way I see me going So, until I find a better way to imagine myself dying I'll sit here, attempt to find my place I swear to God I'm trying
4.
D: All of the Above 03:16
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I've never known a liar, thief, or whore That hasn't felt more alive Than any anti-rugged counterpart Whose morals split their head and loins apart Warring on and on to make decisions Based on who, what, where, and why But never whim Now I live off references to the past Were they fuelled by alcohol, or love, or lust? Well why not all of the above? If I knew you better, then I would know Were they fuelled by alcohol, or love, is there an us? Are you to afraid to let yourself lust? My nose rests on the nape of your neck Sickly, sweetly, stench of sweat Aside from where your hair rests There a cherry scent persists Oh, I'd rather not be rude But I'd rather not spend the night in your room Oh, I'd rather not be rude But I'd rather not spend the night without an overdue chat Now I live off references to the past Were they fuelled by alcohol, or love, or lust? Well why not all of the above? If I knew you better, then I would know Were they fuelled by alcohol, or love, is there an us? Are you to afraid to let yourself lust?
5.
19.17 03:08
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I've been feeling so alone, everybody's sad without me But now I see: they were just getting ready I've been so alone in this crowd with just me But now I see: I was just getting ready And so I go out on my own, so alone Winter washed away And froze up all the fears you hadn't dealt with yet But then summer reared its ugly head It melted all the ice, sweated out all your debts If I stand alone amongst the crowd It's only a matter of time before I'm found out I'm not trying to pretend, I'm just trying to be As a matter of fact I would just like to be me
6.
So Mountain 02:49
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I was just a mountain to climb You decided you would rather be swimming Skipped through the tundra and leapt into the ocean It contains a part of me, I contain a part of it You never bothered to get to know which I am not a boy, I am not a girl If I had a choice I would leave this body here I was just some threshold to meet Some person to practice on until you discovered empathy Somebody to adore while you swam, but I can't produce the ocean I'm all cut up and dry, no reason to cry Just some sordid, fucked up metaphor for my semen, oh I am not a boy, I am not a girl If I had a choice I would leave this body here So mountain, so mountain So mountain, so mountain So mountain, so mountain
7.
Child 03:00
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Sick of being treated like a child Though well aware I'm being a child Sick of being treated like I'm right Despite all my self-destructive behaviour Disguised as self-care You've won, you've won, you've won, you've won I can't be trusted with my brain I can't be trusted with my brain I can't be the one you want Keep up the fiction I am just a boy Caught in the void Caught in the void Caught in the void Caught in the void Caught in the void
8.
Monster & Me / Don't Panic 02:29
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I thought you were being metaphorical Monster and me have had quite the history (You're not talking to ⬛ right now) Eyes glazed, head back, whip-pan, stare into my soul Couldn't recognise the girl in front of me Don't panic, don't panic, don't panic Don't panic, don't panic, don't panic Don't panic, don't panic, don't panic Don't panic, don't panic, don't panic Don't panic, don't panic, don't panic Don't panic, don't panic Don't panic, don't panic, don't panic Don't panic, don't
9.
The Escapade 02:39
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Let's start loading up on caffeine, baby Night quota: 5 cups a minute I'm ready Waiting sat in bed, I hear the toilet flush Over impatient yelling (Get your shoes on) Bottle of McGuigans We can begin again Climb out the window With a black label red Hands in pockets We walk on up Hands in pockets We walk on up Hands in pockets We walk on up Hands in pockets We walk on up We're gonna escapade We're gonna escapade I want to rant out random knowledge Please eat my brain like porridge Stare up at the stars This whole mountain is ours Don't ever let me sleep I'll stay up here for a week I want to rant out random knowledge Please eat my brain like porridge Stare up at the stars This whole mountain is ours Don't ever let me sleep I'll stay up here for a week
10.
Transience 05:13
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Incomprehensibly large black Sphere hidden in my headless heart Melatonin, turn my eyes into bread It grows a mouth to suck and see I feel sleepy And feeling foolish Put my hair into pigtails Oh, I never felt so calm And yet so nervous Sweat was dripping down Cro-Magnon frown I found testosterone is only good For pissing in the wind I don't feel like a boy anymore I don't feel like a boy anymore I don't feel like a boy anymore I don't feel like a boy anymore I think I'm missing something I don't feel comfortable in my own skin I think I'm missing something I just feel more comfortable in yours I think I'm missing something I don't feel comfortable in my own skin I think I'm missing something Just might feel more comfortable in yours Think I'm missing something My own skin Think I'm missing something In yours I was substantially alone And feeling foolish Put my hair into pigtails Oh, I never felt so calm And yet so foolish Sweat was dripping down Cro-Magnon frown I found testosterone is only good For pissing in the wind I don't feel like a boy anymore I don't feel like a boy anymore I don't feel like a boy anymore I don't feel like a boy anymore I don't feel like a boy anymore I don't feel like a boy anymore I don't feel like a boy anymore I don't feel like a boy anymore
11.
Orange Circle Glow / Doing 04:20
lyrics
I’m hopelessly drifting down the road So very close to home And at home with the drizzle through the fog A streetlamps orange circle glow Breaks through the equally speech impeding fog in my brain Oh, the beautiful light reflecting sights mean everything to me They’re so un-profound now that I’ve found That no one else cares quite like me Oh, oh At some point Come walk with me I have much to share Oh, won’t you come see I am sorry I couldn't be the right guy All I needed was to be the girl in my life Focus on me like a lover Grow my hair out, maybe I'll discover Who I am, and what I'm doing here I'm doing here, I'm doing here I'm doing here, I'm doing here

about

"The state or fact of lasting only for a short time".

~

1. Toronto. Flatwarming. Grafton. 21st. Trauma. ⬛. ⬛⬛⬛.
2. "Nice".
3. D E A T H.
4. A) Alcohol; B) Love; C) Lust; D) All of the Above.
5. Two Thousand & Right Now / "Artist".
6. And moved on to the weather.
7. Harmontown. Rain Sounds. Breathing. Tinnitis.
8. "There you are".
9. "Shall we?". McGuigans & Me.
10. Nightmares. Sleeping Pills. Gender Identity. ⬛.
11. Darn pretty streetlamps innit.

~

Written from 2017-2020. Recorded in 2020.
Recorded at 232 and Seabrookflat in Auckland.
Mixed at 232, Seabrookflat, and Eddie's in Auckland.
Mastered using eMastered.

credits

released September 28, 2020

All music composed, performed, recorded, mixed and mastered by Cameron Mason McCurdy.
Artwork by Maisy McLeod-Riera and Tashi Donnelly.

Thanks alphabetically to Alex, Bethan, Eddie, Elim, Heidi, Jack, Jenn & Aidan, Keegan, Maia, Peter, Reece, Robyn, Ruben, Shayla, Shirley, Stephen, Tashi, and most importantly, the realestate agent/comedian at Madeleine Brighouse's party.

Thanks also to everyone I sent these songs to in all their various stages.

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Cameron Leigh Auckland, New Zealand

music gremlin from new zealand

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